Excerpt from Amy Edelstein’s book Love, Marriage & Evolution: Chapter 6

Some of us may be with partners who share the exact evolutionary context that we do, and some of us may be with partners who pursue a different spiritual path. The latter is not necessarily an obstacle, as long as the expectations are clear and there is mutual respect and support for each other’s rhythm of development. We don’t need to impose our paths on each other, but rather support each other’s flowering. Can we be this open and trusting, while maintaining a positive tension that calls out the best from each one of us? What happens when our expectations are different? Maybe your partner says “I’m committed to the same thing you are,” but you each see your own higher purpose very differently.

 The more we are rooted in a fullness of self, and the more we don’t require our spouses to be a particular way in order for us to feel our own inherent and existential completion, the easier we will be able to navigate the differences between us, while fostering creativity and development.

Communication is essential. Communication in a spacious environment encourages growth. But you have to be courageous and sensitive. If you care for each other enough to be in a sexual relationship together—you respect each other, are attracted to each other, and want to live together as partners—one expression of that care is abiding trust in each other’s true heart and spiritual sensitivity. That trust will create enough space to have transparent and open communication about the ways we interpret the higher contexts in our lives. And if we still differ? Then we’ll need to find out if that difference is indeed an obstacle to continuing to be in an intimate relationship with each other, or if it’s a difference that we can work with, use to move forward toward our higher purpose. We can come to a genuine understanding, or an appreciation of our differences, and decide what it means about our relationship, all the while never betraying our love for each other.

The more we are rooted in a fullness of self, and the more we don’t require our spouses to be a particular way in order for us to feel our own inherent and existential completion, the easier we will be able to navigate the differences between us, while fostering creativity and development.

A common situation that can create the experience of disrupted trust is falsely assuming mutual understanding.  The more time we live together, the easier it is to assume  shared views. Communication is an art. We need to work to cultivate our ability to be present, to seek to understand with new ears, new eyes, and an open heart at every moment. This may sound simple but putting this into practice requires commitment to inner transformation and follow through with the inner work required. Our more refined skills in communication come from placing emphasis on the quality of consciousness we share more than on either of our personal views or issues.

Establishing a field around us that’s supportive, clear, open, unobstructed, and reliable takes sensitivity, objectivity, and an ease with a mystery we cannot understand. To develop, we want our relationship to be built on solid ground. We want to establish wholesome boundaries and expectations, take our time to get to know each other so that the agreements we come to are really the natural articulation of the quality of our relationship that is already there. There are certain fears or concerns that we want to make obsolete. There are conditions for trust to set together and keep alive. Then when friction arises between us, we deal with the issues. We don’t unearth the foundation beneath our feet. We all have blind spots. We all need to develop. We do things that unintentionally upset our loved ones. But these things can be dealt with in a context of fundamental trust. When we establish shared agreements or boundaries, we build a framework of respect. And we set structures in place to respond with dignity if those boundaries are transgressed.

A question that regularly arises in explorations around trust in relationships has to do with commitment—and broken commitments. There are different levels of commitment. One area that can cause needless friction is if someone commits to something relatively insignificant and then doesn’t follow through because something objectively more important arose. Does that break trust? Is it a sign of more fundamental unreliability? How do you discern the difference?

Bigger life issues come up sometimes and push smaller tasks to the background. That’s not a capital offense. But the motive to over commit creates an impression of unreliability. Let the focal point for change be here—on the level of motive. When the motive is to be reliable and trustworthy, our communication will become more straightforward. Not propelled by needing to please or by an appearance of being willing, we’ll express what we mean without over commitment.

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This is an excerpt from Amy Edelstein’s new book Love, Marriage & Evolution. If you like what you read here please download the entire book, and share this content with friends and family.